Unrealistic Expectations Are Killing Us
As we discussed in the first installment of this series, we all have limits. We are limited because of the fact that we are human. We have a limited amount of time, energy and money. On the other hand, God is unlimited. He is not limited by time or space. He never grows tired or weary. All the riches of the world are at his disposal.
As humans, we are limited by our temperaments and personalities. Each personality type has certain strengths and weaknesses. When we try to live outside our strengths, we are ineffective and we become stressed and our families become stressed. Working outside a vocation we are not matched for brings the same results.
Now let’s focus on unrealistic expectations. Having such expectations are a result of not realizing that we have limits and a willingness to accept and live within those limits.
Let me begin with telling you how I struggle with having realistic expectations. I acknowledge that it is a weakness. I have prayed about overcoming this weakness for many years. It is better, but I will have to keep a watch on it at all times.
Realistic expectations involve us and others. When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. When our expectations of others and ourselves are so high, the demand for more and better is always there. These expectations become a treadmill that won’t slow down.
In his book that I have referred to previously, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Pastor Peter Scazzero tells of how he reached a point of breaking as he was on that treadmill.
“I was angry, bitter, and depressed. I was unhappy, frustrated, overworked and harried. For five years I had attempted to do the work of two or three people. We had two services in English in the morning and one in the afternoon in Spanish. I preached at all of them.”
He goes on to tell of how his wife had grown weary of functioning as a single mom with their four daughters. She finally came to the place that she would no longer accept his excuses, delays and avoidant behavior. She threatened to leave him and the church he pastored.
This pastor found himself in a bad place spiritually and emotionally, not to mention a crumbling marriage, just because he refused to accept his limits. He thought he was some kind of super human that could do it all. And now all of a sudden it was about to come tumbling down.
You don’t have to be a pastor to find yourself in the same place. It can and does happen to all of us.
If you happen to be a perfectionist, then you are far more likely to have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. You are more likely to find yourself frustrated, grumpy, discontent and unpleasant much, if not all, the time. You are miserable and you make those around you miserable. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?
Perhaps we all need to be reminded that the Lord has realistic expectations of us. Should we have higher expectations of ourselves and others than the One who created us does? Should we have higher expectations of our husbands or wives that God has? Should our expectations of our children exceed those that the Lord has of them?
Not only do we have to manage our expectations for ourselves and others, there are also expectations others have of us. No doubt others do have unrealistic expectations of us at times, but sometimes others have no expectations of us, but we imagine they do in our minds. Whether the expectations others have of us are real or imagined, we must learn to manage them.
A number of years ago I rediscovered the reruns of The Andy Griffith Show (TAGS). There was a network of rerun watcher groups. Any fan could form his own club. The name of your club had to be a line from one of the episodes. I chose the line “just don’t over expect” from the episode “A Date for Gomer.”
Andy and Barney were trying to convince Gomer to take Thelma Lou’s cousin Mary Grace to the dance. Perhaps they went overboard in their description of her. Their scheme worked to the point that Gomer begins to think she might be “Miss Right.” To bring him back to reality, Andy said to him, “Just don’t over expect.”
To remind myself not to over expect, I framed and hung on the wall in my office my TAGSRWC certificate with the words “Just don’t over expect.”
Does the Bible address this issue of expectations? In Matthew 11:30, Jesus spoke these words: “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” The Scribes and Pharisees put unrealistic expectations upon the Jews. Jesus said this about them, “They bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men’s shoulders.” (Matthew 23:4)
What did Jesus mean when he said that his yoke was easy and his burden was light? The word translated as “easy” in English means “well-fitting” in the original language. The yoke for oxen in that day were made of wood. There was no such thing as one size fits all. The yoke for each ox was custom made by measurements and cut until it fit perfectly.
William Barclay tells of a legend that as a carpenter, Jesus made the best yokes in all of Galilee. People would come from all around to his carpenter shop to purchase the best fitting yokes. Could it be that Jesus had those years he spent in the carpenter’s shop in mind when he spoke the words of Matthew 11:30?
I love how Barclay paraphrases the words of Jesus:
“The life I give you to live is not a burden to gall you; your task, your life, is made to measure to fit you.”
To be continued.